Annie’s story

Annie (name changed to preserve anonymity) was offered support by YCT following referrals being received for her children and subsequently the potential for parent support being identified by the YCT team.

During the referral process, Annie informed YCT Support of her children’s disclosures of both physical and emotional abuse towards them by their dad who at the time was Annie’s husband of 20 years.

Annie attended 20 sessions in total over a 6-month period. Annie’s husband was no longer living at the family home having been placed under investigation by the police following the children’s witness statements to the police. On initial presentation, Annie said she was uncertain about counselling stating “I’ll see how it goes”. Annie said she had no idea what to expect and had never been involved with social services or had any professional support before. Annie said she felt overwhelmed by everything and appeared deeply distressed.

Annie gradually began to engage in the counselling process after 1 or 2 earlier cancellations and admitted that she was initially wary of the support because of the reasons for the referral. Annie said she had come to realise she wasn’t being judged in her circumstances and she was beginning to feel able to make sense of her life and identify patterns of abuse from both mum until she was 17 years old and subsequently going into an abusive relationship at 17 years old with her now ex-husband. Annie was able to identify that she had very low self-esteem and did not value herself.

As the sessions progressed, Annie began to voice experiences of previous verbal abuse from her husband which she said she didn’t question at the time as it was ‘the norm’. When I gently challenged these ‘norms’ and highlighted and reflected what Annie told me, she seemed able to gain clarity on how unhealthy her relationship with her husband was. Annie often felt overwhelmed by guilt, she explained during the sessions stating she should have known her husband was mistreating her children and protected her children from their dad.

At times Annie was tearful when considering how long her children had kept secrets from her about dad’s threats to hurt them and telling them not to tell mum stating mum would become more depressed and suicidal. The guilt was palpable in the counselling room, and, though this emotion seemed to consume Annie at times, she seemed somehow comforted by being able to share her experience in the presence of someone being non-judgemental and her recognising how lonely her existence had been until now.

Significantly, Annie’s self-awareness increased and she came to a session stating she realised without paying any attention to it that she had been drinking a couple of glasses of wine most days before bed for a large part of her life, with the sad recognition that she couldn’t bear to spend nights with her husband fully sober and so she relied on the alcohol to escape such challenging emotions. Annie stated during the session that she hadn’t drunk alcohol for over a few weeks and that meant she could eat more doughnuts, at which point a spontaneous chuckle followed by a burst of laughter left her, and it was at this point she realised that a huge burden had lifted from her where she now felt a sense of relief.

This led to Annie saying she had lost her identity within her marriage and didn’t know herself, be it what she wanted in life, hopes, aspirations. She said she had gone from being oppressed and abused by her mum, and subsequently by her husband and in the process, lost herself. Annie became saddened by this reality, and sessions to follow often involved Annie telling me about trying something new and enjoying new experiences or equally disliking something new and moving on. Included in this, Annie had decided to return to studies at college for the first time in 15 years.

Towards the end of the counselling sessions, Annie turned her focus towards her children’s behaviour and how she intervened when siblings argued with each other. Annie stated she found it very challenging to deal with these situations as she felt lacking in guidance and ability to deal with these situations appropriately. On her request, we explored options collaboratively and she voiced her appreciation of having someone there to list to her struggles and support her.